I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
