his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Randomize
