I wannas sexs uuuuu
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
