I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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