Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
