how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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