Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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