life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
