He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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