Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize