We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Randomize
