this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
