I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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