life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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