Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
