she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
