You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
