My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
