It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
