So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
