my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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