i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
