I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
