I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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