Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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