Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
