The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
