After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
