I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
