i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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