my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
