meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
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