Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
