I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize