dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
the day after is always just damage control
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize