hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So many bounce houses so little time
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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