I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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