who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
