I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
