My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Enjoy the penises
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
