I think I died a long time ago.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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