I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
