I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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