OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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