I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
