I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
