can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Reggie can tackle my bush.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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