Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
