This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
