Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
