i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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