We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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