don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
