capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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