he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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