talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
