He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
