so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
