chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
