Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
someone owes me an orgasm
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
