I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
