Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
