Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
